Painful Memories
by Shadows Of The Storm
Summary: The Exile thinks back to her old lightsaber and memories and feelings she thought long buried arise once again to haunt her.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or any of the characters, places, things, or anything that seems familar.**

So, today had really not been my day. Nope, not at all. I had been forced to fall back on my Jedi training even though for five years I have tried to leave that part of me behind. And that isn't the worse part. I'm actually glad to have the Force back, and that scares me horribly.

"So…what happened?" My new pilots voice cut across the cockpit. I sighed and focused my attention on the galaxy map in front of me. I really, really, _really,_ wanted him to not ask what I was thinking he was about to ask.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, my voice heavy with exhaustion and annoyance. As much as I don't want to admit it, I just want to find out what is going on and where all the other Jedi went. Well, that and to see if any of them are still alive. I might also like to carve up that Sith Lord too-

"Don't give me that! There were plenty of times back on Peragus where a lightsaber would have been helpful. So – where's yours?" Atton asked. I took a deep breath and focused on the map. I thought that I had made it perfectly clear that I did _not_ want to talk about my Jedi days now. They were long behind me and they held… unwanted memories.

"My lightsaber was… taken from me, by the Council." I spit the last word like toxin. Damn the Council and everyone in it! Especially-

"Oh, yeah? I thought Jedi were supposed to be married to their lightsabers." I flinched at his words. "Guess I heard wrong. Were you a single hilt or one of those double-bladed Jedi?" Atton asked yet again. I could tell he was trying to cover his curiosity, but I decided to indulge him anyway. As much as I didn't like talking about it, he wasn't going to shut up unless I told him something.

"It was a single hilt." I replied coolly, sill not turning to look at him.

"Huh, figures. It wasn't red, was it?" he asked. I barely suppressed a groan and reluctantly thought back. It had never been red, but there had been the yellow, and then… and then I felt my body tense. _Bad thoughts Ty, bad thoughts! Don't think about. Just tell him it was yellow! He doesn't need to know I had two or the fact that… well, you know!_

"Both the blade and crystal were unique." I finally said. That seemed like a good, neutral answer. He should be happy with that.

"Yeah, unique how?" Okay, guess he's not. _Come on Ty, the yellow. Remember what the yellow one looked like? Yeah, tell him that one. The other one brings up bad thoughts. _

"Silver, like the streams in the Room of a Thousand Fountains on Coruscant." I replied. Damn, it is a shame that my mouth isn't connected to my brain sometimes.

"Must have been something." _You have no idea. _"Sure be nice to have it now – might make those Sith think twice before coming after us.

"It is no matter. It was taken from me long ago." I snapped back. Couldn't he just let it drop? He snipped at me again, but I ignored him this time. Memory lane was having some construction work and the trip had been bumpy. I didn't want to go back there anytime soon.

TMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTM

I thought that I had finally made it off this forsaken planet when we got shot down once again just to see the one person I hated probably as much as I hated the Sith. The frosty snow queen was back once again bitching at me about how everything was my fault and I couldn't take responsibility. Well, that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was… something I really don't want to think about.

Then, it happened.

I heard the familiar buzz of a lightsaber and my body froze. My mind turned off as I stared blankly at the lightsaber before me. The silver blade hummed lightly as it mocked me. Memories unwanted tried to force themselves upon me, but my mind was to out of it.

"That's my lightsaber!" I said, the words sinking in as I finally broke my trance. Atris smirked and said something, but I was finding it hard to breathe, much less hear. After what seemed like an eternity, I was escorted out by her handmaidens.

I stood at the entrance to the to the long bridge that lead to her room for who knows how long. Seeing that lightsaber had brought up feelings I had hoped long forgotten. I thought I was over this now. It didn't matter though. We were leaving, for real this time.

So, I got my new allies out of jail and we got on my ship. I was thrilled to leave the planet. Too much had happened here for me to be comfortable.

TMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTMTM

"So, where are we heading Ty?" Atton asked, using his new nickname for me. I told him not to, but it was too late. He was using it now even though it was yet another painful reminder of my painful past. Yep, I'm a pretty painful person.

"Any suggestions?" I asked. I was pretty much willing to go anywhere. Well, almost anywhere. There were two planets I was really not looking forward to.

"I suggest Nar Shadda. It's a good place to go if you wanna get lost for awhile." Atton responded, sinking down in the pilot's chair. I smiled and thought it over for a second. Well, how bad could it be?

"Sounds like a plan. I'm going to go see if I can improve the weapons we got around here." I answered, pushing myself out of the chair and walking to the workbench. Nar Shadda would be a good place to go. Maybe I could forget –

My thoughts were cut short by the sight of a lightsaber handle sitting on the workbench. It was a handle I once knew well, and I was hoping beyond hope that I was not looking at what I thought I was looking at. I slowly approached it like it was a wild Boma that would attack me if I made a sudden move. Painfully slow I picked it up and activated it. Sure enough, glowing silver light filled the room and I dropped the 'saber like it had burned me.

"General, are you okay?" Bao-Dur's calming voice questioned, and I whipped around to face him.

"Where… did this… come from?" I demanded slowly, fighting to stay calm. The Zabrak looked at me strangely and put down whatever he was working on. He walked over to me a put his hand on my shoulder.

"General, are you okay?" he repeated, and took a breath before responding.

"Just tell me where this came from." I said, and he nodded in partial understanding.

"I don't know. It was there when we got here. I thought you would know what to do with it so I left it there. Want me to get rid of it?" he asked, and I felt panic rise in my throat.

"No!" I almost yelled. _Force, why do I still want this thing around? _"I could use it in combat. Just… leave it there." I said quickly. Then, I turned tail and fled the room. Why couldn't these painful memories just leave me alone?


End file.
